Category: Droad

A Life I Used To Have –This Cage Holds Me Tight

My life used to be very different. In terms of a life that resembles my life previously, this life is nothing close to what I used to have. The life I used to have is a distant memory of what I have now. This cage holds me tight in its grip.

When I was growing up, I used to do stuff. I was way more active in my life, both physically, and socially. I grew up riding bicycles doing freestyle and BMX riding.

There were times people were afraid of seeing me ride my bike, what was normal for me, was all too much for them; they objected to riding with both feet on the handle bars while coasting down the street without a helmet or knee pads.

I had a motorcycle that I rode and was pretty good at it. I grew up knowing how to downhill snow ski, and made use of every chance I could get to hit the slopes. I learned to ski at double black diamond levels, and got quite a thrill from skiing like a wild man.

I also took up indoor rock climbing, and found it to be the real challenge both physically, and psychologically. Because to really climb well, it takes a lot of psychological skill to climb and keep your wits about you. Most people would think what I was doing was impossible. It wasn’t, there are people that climb way above me.

I used to go dancing, and was quite good at it. I took to swing dancing, because I thought the music was good, and it was fun to dance with pretty chicks at the Derby. Often several nights a week, I could be found dancing east cost swing, with some good food.

My skills were better back then, my ability to do things that took strength, endurance, and talent that are all required to be able to stay alive. I took up rollerblading, and was very agile on my feet. Really there wasn’t much that didn’t have wheels that I didn’t do, or try.

This all changed twenty years ago. My life took some awful wrong turn that I had no control of. It wasn’t that I did something stupid, nor was it that I got hurt. Well, I did get hurt really, really bad; but it wasn’t anything I had control over.

They said it was a chemical imbalance in my mind, and that I wasn’t to be considered a sane man any longer. Something somewhere had screwed my life up really bad. My life that I knew and loved was gone, in whole; the life I used to have has completely been taken from me. The life I have today; it is nothing compared to the living I was doing twenty years ago. What is more, this life I have now, it’s not really living; it is closer to a living death.

It feels so damn unfair that my life was taken from me. There were things that I enjoyed doing a great deal; none of which I have been able to do or take part of in twenty years. I long for the days I was physically challenging myself to push my limits, to go fast on wheels, and enjoy the rush of adrenaline in my body that made me feel alive.

This existence, it’s not living; it’s a living death. There is no rush from what I can do these days. I’ve tried to get the same feeling from other things that I used to know and enjoy. Nothing compares to what I used to have. There simply isn’t anything I could do today to give me the same feeling. I have no friends, no job, no girlfriend, and it doesn’t look like that situation will ever change in this life.

My life today isn’t fun, it isn’t even interesting. I am confined to my house, only leaving for coffee, or a trip to the store. My life isn’t very enjoyable, because the things that I used to find enjoyable, and challenging; are not options any longer.

It seems ruthless cruel that I have been forced to live like zombie cat shit, being drugged out of my mind to enjoy a living death. I think that they last thing I would ever say is that I have enjoyed this life the last twenty years.

Sure there are other things to get enjoyment from, I still do what I can; but the enjoyments I used to have were far better than what I can do today. It is difficult to get a real thrill from coding html, not that it doesn’t have some rewards, but my family treats my accomplishments these days like they are worthless trash. I would like to see them do what I’ve done the last five years. Yeah, that would be fun.

I’m very good at what I do, its the only way I can get a thrill. Still, I find that I long for the days I was challenging myself physically. My life today while peaceful, is lacking anything that produces the same feelings that being physically skilled and pushing the limits of what I can do. Somehow, a dog walk just doesn’t have the same rush that going thirty miles an hour on rollerblades has.

I long for the times my life was better. I keep saying, “Life has to get better.” However, it seems I’ve come to terms with the fact, in this body; life isn’t going to get better. Pity, this life is a living death. I wanted better. Just a piece of advice, take care of your teeth, they rot out fast once they start to go. Wish I had been better about what I could have done about it; but it is far too late now.

However, their cry’s of my insanity; what I have to say about that is this; they live like zombie house cats. I want to live my life; and better than most ever dream. Most people in this world don’t really live; they just exist. Pity. They will never know what really living is like.

This cage I have now, someday its going to be replaced. Life has to get a lot better, and right quick.

Photo Credit: Photo by Jan Kopřiva on Unsplash

Written by Ctopher Thomas, A Real Misfit

Notes From Earth

My Cage Needs Torn Down
Notes from a steppenwolf

Are we living in a cage? The very fiber necessary to make life worth living, is missing from my existence. After taking inventory of what I have, it seems I have a cage. There are no friends, no job, no girlfriend in my life. The world lacks the ability to be selfless, because it seems no one gives a damn.

Being subjected to this mis-treatment, clearly this is not a humane way to exist. Certainly it feels like torment to me; it also feels like my rights are being violated. My existence in this manner is certainly not of my choosing, and after having worked diligently to change this situation for years, the situation is oppressive.

When the human race learns to be kind, this situation will get a lot better. There is nothing I can do to make my situation better; everything I have done thus far, it has all failed for me. The situation is not hopeless, it is however hosed; The human race is so selfish that no one will take the time to listen, to think, or to learn. Pity that they are so cruel.

My main complaint is the isolation. This isolation has spanned more than twenty years. There is no one to spend time with me, no one to talk with about what I value. It also seems, no one reads my work, or values it more than worthless trash.

I’m not able to do anything or say anything that will make them treat me different. There is absolutely nothing I could ever do that would change their behavior to treat me better. Nothing what so ever.

I don’t like my cage. This isolation is ruthless cruel. I’ve told them it hurts me, they have done nothing to make it better. Nothing at all to help make it better. I have reason to believe, that is the definition of cruel. For them to not care at all.

I hate my cage. It’s just me with my mind. No one reads my work, no one listens to me. They don’t give a shit what I think, believe, or want from life.

Also, there is no path to make it better. This life is all I ever have to look forward to. In twenty years, this situation has not changed to satisfactory level. That is twenty years of my life that I have been forced to endure this cage. Ruthless.

I wanted my life better. I wanted change for the better. Seems my status in life is so very low, that they don’t care what I want. It doesn’t matter to them at all. It’s not any skin off their nose, so they don’t give a damn about my needs.

Speaking of needs, my needs are not being met. My intellectual, emotional, physical needs; none of them are being met right. This cage has beaten the living life out of me. As a wolf, this captivity is cruel. The house cats enjoy the life they have; but the wolf feels it’s not been kind.

Really what kind of sick people think keeping a wolf to live like a house cat is kind? I’m tired of this cage. This cage, it’s not living. It’s a living death.

If I had some companions to talk with, and to spend time with me, someone that could inspire me to rise; then life would be worth living. This isolation is kicking the shit out of me. No one to talk with or share ideas with. The way things are, no one spends time with me, no one cares. The world couldn’t care. No one else does either.

The people that I thought I could count on, they have let me down hard. They treated me like shit. I don’t have anyone to turn to for help, nor advice. This cage keeps me confined like this. There is no way to make myself visible. And when I do try to make myself visible, it always fails. Nothing I have done in the last twenty years has been successful. Nothing.

The failure has hit hard. I hate this cage. It keeps me held in place, just like I was twenty years ago. I’ve been able to make my mind grow, but at great pain.

There is no emotional support here. This cage prevents me from having my emotional needs met. No friends, no job, no girlfriend. It’s been this way a very long time. Seems I’m not special enough for anyone to care about me. They didn’t care when I am alone and hurting from isolation.

I hate my cage. Have no desire to trade for a bigger cage. I want out of this damn cage. I want my freedom. I want to live my life. I want to have someone to spend time with me. I want to be able to have intelligent conversations with others. I want someone that can reason.

It’s not that difficult, it shouldn’t be that difficult. Yet, in twenty years; they have never been able to fix it. I’ve spent the last twenty years in this damn cage. It feels ruthless cruel. Why the abuse? Why the psychological torment like this? Am I a prisoner? Why? What right do they have to cage me?

It has made me mean. I would like to see you spend twenty years inside your own head and try to get out of this shit. Let’s see how you like my cage. I would like to see you live my life. You will beg for death, long before it’s over with.

I think that is fitting punishment. Those that caged me, should have to live my life. Let’s see how they deal with it. I want them to suffer, I want them to suffer like I have suffered. Let’s see how you like this psychological torment, I’ve endured it; let’s see how you deal with it. I hate my cage.

If I had some friends, this would be a nice escape pod. Since I am forced into solitary confinement with no friends, it’s a cage. It’s cruel. It could have been a home.

Part II
Does Anyone Have A Life?
Thoughts from a wolf

I’m curious to know, does anyone in this world have a life? Is anyone in this world really living? They say, most people just exist. That seems to be very true. I don’t have any friends, no job, no girlfriend, and no one to ask personally.

There is no one that I have ever known that has a life. So how are you people living? Do you have any kind of life at all? I’ve taken inventory of what I have, it seems this cage is all I have. How are you living? Do you like your cage?

Does anyone have their needs being met? Are you able to provide for yourself? Do you have an idea and the ability to see it turn into something successful? I have not had a success in twenty years. The only thing I have known is failure. I hate my cage.

Do you have the ability to dream, and see your dreams turn into something that works for you? How do you make such things happen for yourself? Do you have people that listen to you and respect you? Do you have a group of people that inspire you?

All I have known is this damn isolation. It’s all I have. This isolation is all I have known for twenty years; maybe more. How can I move my life from where I am living now, to a better more satisfying lifestyle? What path is there to take to make my life better?

Everything I have done has failed. The people that I thought would have my back; they are a let down. None of them could care about my life at all. Pity.

I don’t have opportunities. I’ve lacked the social circle to make my life better. I’m not able to rise, I’m not able to make myself visible to others. What kind of life can I look forward to? Seems my life is a living death. There is no path to make it better.

Humans are strange creatures. This world isn’t the place it used to be. It used to be a man had some way to make their life better, seems there always used to be a path that a man could take to change their life.

There is no path here. So how are you living? What path have you taken to make your life worth living? Are you really living? Does anyone in this world have a real life? Prove it.

This world feels like a damn cage. The isolation is the main factor in making it feel like a cage. If the isolation were to be fixed, the situation would be a lot better. By 1000%. In twenty years, they have not been able to fix the isolation. They don’t even care that I’m isolated like I am. It’s not any skin off their nose. It doesn’t bother them.

Seems a lot of people suffer from isolation. Some are like house cats and seem to enjoy it. However, you will never meet a wolf that enjoys solitary confinement for long periods of time.

The problem has continued, it has never been solved. Obviously; they lack the ability to solve the problem. They have prevented me from solving the problem, which means they don’t want a solution to the problem.

I have reason to believe; they are sick. This world is a twisted place. Pity. It could have been a lot better. I hate my cage.

Photo Credit: Photo by Egor Myznik on Unsplash

Written by: Ctopher Thomas, A Real Misfit

Life is, Things Are

On The Bounce, Stow that crap!

Life has been strange the last year. What most people don’t like about the last year, is what my life has been like for many years. This is really nothing new to me. Same crap, different day. You know?

However, my point about this year being strange still stands. I’ve seen a lot of projects come and go. Sometimes they turn out good. Other times, they turn out great; yet, no one cares either way. Seems people completely disregard my effort in the face of adversity. Is that true?

I’m bored with working for likes, or shares. No one really cares. I would however like to do something that wows you. Not sure what that would ever be, or if its even possible. Somehow I have reason to believe such things are not even possible in this day and age.

What most people fail to realize, life has made me tough. It might have even made me mean. I would like to see you live my life and not become a monster. I think it would destroy most people. I really do.

Yet, here I am. Still here after all these years. I would like to do some projects that make people smile. Some of what I have done is for myself and people like me. Some may understand it someday, if they really work at it.

Tough Life

Life has made me tough. Most people are never faced with the problems I have been forced to deal with in my life. I hope that you never really have to experience that either. It has been hell.

Still, I have answers if you are faced with impossible times like I have had to deal with. It is not easy; yet, it can be done. The skill it requires is beyond what most people will understand. They have no way to understand it. Because they lack the life experience to know the full story.

Most people, they eat what they are given. Most don’t think about much, and many are perfectly happy with that. I’ve had some failures in making my projects really stand out. Seems people don’t want much from me. Seems they don’t even want my friendship these days. Pity.

I’m bored with the status quo of my life. This living isn’t really living. It is an existence of sorts, I guess house cats would like it. However a wolf would find it a living death to endure this much.

The real problem is nothing new. This isolation has been happening for more than twenty years. At this point, I’m not even sure if there is any way to fix it. It is something I would like to have fixed right. Damn tired of this isolation like it is.

More to be done

Still, there are things to be done. Maybe life will change someday and this mess will be behind us all? Maybe! Bored with the way things are. Feeling like no one will ever care. Pity!

Still, check my projects out. They wait for you.

Photo Credit: Photo by ALEXANDRE DINAUT on Unsplash

Two Sides To Choose From

The Cats Side Of The Story

Photo Credit: Photo by Zoë Gayah Jonker on Unsplash

We want left alone. There will be no talking about anything. We have enough food for tonight, and we just want to watch the TV. I’m not going to worry about anything like the future, what would that accomplish; nothing!

We are perfectly happy wasting out lives, and besides we are just too tired to chase mice. Haven’t been outside in months if not years. Thinking about it now; I’m not sure how long it has been since we went outside. We are queens of our lives, and no one is going to tell us what to do, or not do.

We want life easy. No living, we want a living death. We really like zombie cat shit. It is so rewarding and pleasent. We don’t care about anyone or anything that isn’t in our face screaming at us. And if they were, we would just ignore them until they leave. We like watching TV and a boring living death, because work is just so difficult, with all this fur, who could ever think or use their mind. It’s just so darn difficult. Purr. . .

The Dogs Side Of The Story

Photo Credit: Photo by Joséphine Menge on Unsplash

Life has to get better, and right quick. We want to have company visit, and to talk about the great walks we could be having. There are rabbits to chase, and life to be lived. We want to live our lives. No sense laying around all day looking like a queen, we want to play and work; we want to have a life worth living.

No sense to watch the TV, it is all the same. We want to have something of purpose to do, something that has meaning and value; we want to feel good about what we do, because we did it.

We’re tired of the the cats that live like zombies. They don’t do anything with their lives, and they are boring. Dogs have better things to do than laying around playing with their poo poo all day.

If the world doesn’t get a lot better, we are going to start biting people. That will teach them a lesson. Maybe we will start with barking at them and giving them orders to follow, as if they could follow orders, they are so damn lazy they wouldn’t know their own poo.

We want to make life better for everyone. At least all the doggies lives better, at this point we don’t give a damn about the cats. They have ignored us and pretended we don’t exist so long that we know without a doubt they don’t give a damn about us.

Life has to change, for the better. We have to start being more active, having some meaning and purpose in our lives, because without that; life isn’t worth living.

There has to be more to life than chasing lizards. We want to catch them too. But if we brought the dead lizards to the feet of the cats they wouldn’t give a damn. Nothing pleases them. Damn zombies.

Life has to change. The world has to be made a better place for everyone. And right quick. Before we know it; the cats are going to take over and everyone will be drugged and so damn stupid they will just play with their poo poo.

Stop the cats from being evil.

Photo Credit: Red House Photo by Luke Stackpoole on Unsplash

Boredom: The Plague

Boredom: A brief on it’s dangers

There is a problem with today’s modern society. While there are many problems with today’s society, specifically one that is dangerous is boredom.

Boredom is defined as an emotional and sometimes psychological state. Many of the problems in life, may stem from boredom. It has been linked to alcoholism, and drug abuse.

When people feel like life has become a living death, when boredom with the norm is so tedious that life just doesn’t make sense like it is.

Sometimes a persons environment is considered to be dull. When it seems like there isn’t any fun, or reason to exert one’s will.

Sometimes boredom is necessary. It can be used to be more creative and to inspire new work. From boredom comes new flavors and breaths new life into creative work.

New Flavors

So sometimes it’s necessary to achieve new heights. Without it, we wouldn’t know when we are tired of what is popular. The whole reason for something being popular is because it’s not boring like our current situation.

Because it has a level of excitement to it. Then when what is current becomes stale, new work replaces the old stuff. And sometimes that is enough to maintain a fresh perspective.

Really getting a fresh perspective is sometimes really important. It helps us to appreciate what we have. The danger lies when things become dull, your wits get dull, your mind gets soft and lazy. Then you spiral down in boredom, looking for a quick fix.

The only way out is to be really creative. You have to push the boundaries. Life can get the better of you if you don’t watch it. Sometimes you have to do what makes you feel alive. Life can be pretty boring. Change is of course inevitable.

Pixelated Decaf

Pretty soon everything looks like the same pixelated bits, on tv, on the big screen, heck even Netflix.

There is something to be said for having a peaceful life. It can however turn into oppressive situation if not kept in check. Sometimes you just want to dance, or play.

When boredom turns oppressive, then there is a problem. We have to make life better for everyone. This means that some people have to change their comfort levels, and adapt.

When you get too comfortable, and set in ways of being boring, first check and make sure you are not causing someone else harm. Because what one person considers heaven could be someone else’s hell.

New Balance

There has to be balance in life. Variety is the spice of life. It helps when you have some variety in your day to day living. You know, eat the same sandwich for too many years and it doesn’t taste as good anymore.

It’s important to break the habits that cause boredom in the first place, otherwise you are just living like a zombie. And that isn’t any fun. You have to get out of your routine.

Life is. Things are. Deal with it.

Photo Credit: Photo by Justin Veenema on Unsplash

Chaos In Motion: My Site!

Just a quick update. my digital chaos is now random at misfit.ctopher.me. All the photos and text from the Did you know are loaded in random orders. If you refresh the page, it will look totally different. This has been a project that has been going on for a while now, and now it’s done.

While you are there, flip a coin, or check out how many seconds remain in today from any time zone. Who knows, you might learn something. Just be sure to come back to my blog so you can finish reading the whole thing. There is twelve pages of posts here. Surely there is something you will like, or find funny.

If nothing else, we could shock you for a few seconds. You know, if you don’t want to read the blog, then maybe we should give you a good jolt. Okay, maybe not. Maybe we will make you sit in the bathroom without a tv or mobile phone to keep you company and make you think quietly to yourself for ten minutes. That’s torture.

Video: Details

Come back for more.

UPDATE: This page has moved to-> misfit.ctopher.me

The old link will still work for a while longer, so click away!

Advice From A Monk….

The Difference

There is a difference between living, and just existing. It’s been long known that in horse racing one horse runs faster than the others, but which one? Differences are crucial.

There is a difference between just existing and actually living. What humans today call living to me seems to be just a living death. There is no interaction, no companionship. They don’t even want people to seek those things.

So my next question is, “What really matters?” We have to make sense of our priorities and our goals.

I’ve talked about this before in previous posts about how it’s important to have your attitude and priorities in alignment with each other to be effective.

One of the problems many people experience is having limited effectiveness. It seems like screaming in a wind tunnel, or the ears of a deaf cat; there isn’t even an echo.

Perhaps we are working in a vacuum? There is some good that come from that, however the holes in today’s culture leave much to be desired.

Culture??

Today’s culture isn’t working out too good. Seems people are living in some other dimension that doesn’t make a lot of sense. They are either all asleep, or not present in mind and body.

This isn’t the way I remember living in my youth. People used to be living and making the best of it. There was a lot more living, and a lot less zombie shit.

Maybe it’s just the conditions that I’m working with. It seems that there is something wrong with the current conditions that are not positive towards blooming as a being.

When intelligence, creativity, and talent are not enough; then we have to ask what they are looking for in us that we aren’t showing them at face value?

When a person is disabled or suffers from anxiety or depression and they make use of the talents that they do have but are only told that they aren’t good enough.

As if their depression makes them a total failure. Then the other persons values are obviously in the wrong the place because they don’t see the silver lining right in front of them. They can not see and focus on anything but the bad.

See The Good

Some humans have a problem that if the only thing they are told is that they are bad, they usually don’t turn out as good as when they are told that they are good. So it requires some amount of conditioning humans to be better.

There are problems, which if they wanted to solve could be corrected. However they aren’t interested in solutions or answers. They just want the quick fix, the instant answer, and the easy way for everything. They dis-regard anything anyone else may be doing or trying to do, with only interest in what is easiest.

Life’s going to be difficult for them. Because they continue to only do what is easy without putting forth much effort. I wish that I could have reached their hearts and minds with logic and reason, it does however seem that the lights are on, but no one is home.

Sharper Image? Do Laundry!

A Sharper Image

Being a photographer, I can tell you one of the biggest gripes you will ever hear from talking with photographers in general is that getting a picture to look sharp enough seems impossible. Even with the best lens, the high res .jpg, and Photoshop.

Like those photographs, sometimes it’s tough to get a sharp image in your life. Sometimes it’s not the gear. I’ve worked on having a sharper image for a few years, unfortunately my teeth are still broken out.

This year has been awful tragic. Everyone has felt hurt, betrayed, and stabbed in the back. I know that my personal pain has been something off the scale of how one could define hurt. My teeth hurt so bad for a few days that I seriously thought about knocking them out with a lead pipe to make them feel better.

This is a quick review of the year twenty-eighteen. While having been more physically painful that other years to date, there are some bright spots to the dark shadows that sway.

Year of Ice Coffee

This has most defiantly been the year of iced coffee. Being that we are in December and the temperatures have been dropping in the low 30’s, I will say there have been some days that feel like three jacket nights.

I’m starting to adapt to the cold. However we haven’t gotten any snow yet, so there is just cold weather. Which is nice, because I haven’t had to run the air conditioner once in three months.

While being the year of ice coffee, it has also been the year of eating almost nothing, smoking too many cigarettes, and having lasting isolation that even though I bought fancy perfume no one cares. Well there was someone that noticed; thank you! You made my day better. Hopefully I made yours a little better too. Most the time because I never see anyone but the Starbucks Baristas in the drive thru.

The month of August was horrific. It rained everyday for a solid month this year in what could only have been the worst rains in a hundred years of history. I can attest to the fact that the rain was worse than usual.

While being mostly a physically painful year, there were a few things to smile about. I have worked on my website until I’m happy with it for the most part. Not so happy that no one seems to notice it, but happy with the design other than the home page right now. It’s temporary. I’m sure of it.

Doggies Best Year

The doggies have brought much fun and joy in walks and chasing other things bigger than them, this year. They have also discovered that the playing laser tag is the best thing ever.

I made a few friends, lost a lot more than I made. While no one that I know has died recently, there has been this dark cloud of omniscience above my social life. It almost seems like people are too busy to care. Maybe this has been the year mortals quit giving a shit about anyone but themselves?

Believe that I have spent more time in a dark room with the music on, than I have spent with friends in twenty years. That’s just in this year.

I have however written a book, and about forty thousand words on my blog in the last year. While there has been less music making that I would like to have done, the music has played save but for the power outage that lasted all of five hours. It was horrific.

Not much poetry written this year. I did however buy art from multiple artists in both painting, drawing, poetry, and writers. I also purchased some photography from someone that is doing great work!

Efforts Failed

My own efforts have fallen flat in trying to rise. I am however clawing my way forward even though it is bleak and hopeless. Most people don’t read anymore, and it’s getting more difficult to write good poetry.

When I wasn’t wasting time staring at the ceiling, I was making graphics in Photoshop and drinking iced coffee. Might have made a few hundred posts to my account this year. I just wish that I was doing better work.

I have been trying to rise, the problem seems to be that people are not interested, they don’t even really give a damn if I rise. It’s obvious. They want me to fail. No one did much to support my efforts.

There is no quitting. The job has to be done. With no excuses. Everyone has to have something good. So we wait. We work, and we make the effort to do better everyday than we did the day before. Does anyone notice? Not likely. The distance traveled through my mind has taken me to places far and near.

It has been said that, “There is no excuse” period. I believe that. So what’s the problem? In a world of people that are obsessed with perfection, there sure is a lot to be desired.

Be kind. Go for the long game, make life better for everyone.

Brief Summary

In summary, this year has been pretty crummy. To be honest, it’s been downright awful. The rain and cold wasn’t as bad as the other problems that the world went through. I won’t even go there, because it’s been a night terror.

My main gripe tonight isn’t that the photographs aren’t sharp enough, it is directly related to the problems in being able to obtain sushi on any given day and that it’s impossible to order a pizza with more than one topping.

Get real! Seriously, you used to be able to order a pizza with multiple toppings, and now you can have a cheese pizza with one topping. Why isn’t there outrage about this? I mean what has happened in our lives that pizza delivery only offers one topping with a cheese pizza?

Did they outsource pizza delivery to someplace foreign? Not to be offensive but the world of micro code, high speed pizza delivery, and movies, music, and high speed internet was the only thing still keeping society at large from turning off the tv.

Still reading? I’m hoping that this next year will be better. It’s pointless to complain, and really everything but the pizza problem is like the weather. Temporary. These things too shall pass. Good music doesn’t go out of style. Likewise good taste will come back into being fashionable.

Thoughts on life!!

Long Hard Road

Sometimes one’s travels are the best parts of life. Getting to travel and see the sights, to enjoy life, and sip it’s sparkling wine. Sometimes those travels come with a kiss and an open hand.

I’ve traveled twenty years with a clinched teeth and a fist so hard that my feet hurt. It’s been years in the making, I’ve written five million words in those twenty years, none of them any good. When I’ve self published, seen my effort go into overtime. Most noteworthy it’s been blood, sweat, tears, and long nights. What I haven’t seen is results from my efforts. In the few years that my books were self published I never saw any book sales, or even interest in my work.

Now after having spent several months in heads down working on my website,  I’m now finally ready to write something new. Since no one will talk with me about what I want to write, I’m going to talk to my iPhone in voice memo’s. Only as a last ditch resort because no one else will take the time to talk with me, or spend time with me. You know if I had some creative friends that would let me do some of the talking I wouldn’t feel like such a loser.

Stories In Dust

I feel like my life has been put into isolation, as punishment. It hurts a lot of days. No one cares. I have screamed time and time again. It sounds like a whisper in the deaf ear of a cat. I’m bored with the status quo. I’m bored with being abused by neglect. Hence my isolation grows thick.

I would like to see some good results from my effort that I have put forth. However it seems that I’m living in a vacuum where none of my effort actually goes forth. Therefore it’s like it’s all filtered and what the people on the other side hear is silence. I’m kind of tired of banging my head upon some mad buggers wall to make peace with those that hate me.

My story doesn’t matter? Maybe you can learn some lessons from my story. Sometimes even the villain see’s themselves as the good guy. But which side of the story you hear and which side of the story you hear about are sometimes two very different stories. Maybe there should be room for a neutral color here, something in the shade of gray.

Walk A Hundred Miles In my Boots

I would love to see you walk a hundred miles in my boots and I get to pick the miles. I would really like to see how you deal with what they have done to me. Self publishing would be cool. But with the rejection I have gotten, I couldn’t give them away for free and meet success from having done something cool.

Because, they want me to believe I’m not capable of making a difference in the world, and that I’m wasting my life, my time, and my effort when no one will ever give a damn.

In conclusion, I believe otherwise and would like to prove them wrong. All it takes sometimes is a few people to say something nice about you to the right people.

Wanted: Lasting Peace

Travels

Through the years, there have been many road blocks to understanding, making reasonable progress. There have also been many obstacles in the way of positive change. These are not impossible hurdles, they are merely moments that people have to learn how to overcome.

There are a few things that can be learned from Douglas Adams. Most notably that the whale was conscious of both being alive, and the ground. What is also noteworthy is that the bowl of petunias was also conscious.

This time I have spent on earth has been interesting. You know most people having the human experience don’t reach being holy while having the human experience. It’s only after the experience that they can fully appreciate the experience and understand it.

Journey

While I have been able to do a lot of creative work, I would not say that it has been my masterpiece. These are but raw uncooked and seriously underdeveloped ideas. Not that they are all worthless, only that they have not been fully realized to becoming what they could be. I would like to see your progress under the same circumstances and do better than I have.

I’m kinda pissed about the memories. It’s not the kind of stuff you ever want to forget, but it’s been rough going. Pain of and in itself doesn’t kill you, but the experience is hell. Those that have been understanding of my struggles and my suffering I want to say that it’s most appreciated that you have put up with me this long. It’s not always been fun. It has however stirred truth and light to awaken in my being.

I’m sorry for the unkind words I have been responsible for, however in my search for truth and understanding these have been necessary to uncover my minds grasp of truth to understand and become aware of deeper than surface thoughts. To be honest it’s been painful.

Experience

Many of you have tired of my effort, my sincere apologies. Please note that I was paying attention to everything you said, it was however difficult for me as you were talking in code and I was only trying to be friendly.

What we need is peace of mind, peace on earth, and lasting well being. We also need these same very things in other places in the galaxy and universe. It’s not just a problem on earth, everyone has the need for basic compassion and understanding in life, where we all appreciate each other and love as much as possible. It starts with peace on earth.

I hope that you can find the compassion in your hearts to be kind to each other and be understanding while doing no harm to others. As far as my creative work, it’s only just began. I consider most all of what I have been working as merely research and development. Those that had to put up with dealing with my thinking, behavior, and lack of gravity. You will however have to understand that the work is very important and will be remembered.

When the work is complete you can make heads or tails of the whole situation for later. Until then, be cool. Be well. Have some fun. Thanks to Momz who was very patient while not understanding my creative mind needed to roam the very wild places in the safety of a calm environment.

Photo by Ctopher Thomas - self.

Self Reliance, New beginnings, and old worn out excuses.

Self Reliance

It’s important to be self reliant. It’s also important to have groups of like minded people that work together to help everyone within the group. When people in a group are scattered and not allowed to be with like minded people, it causes a problem in society. There starts to be holes and gaps in life that doesn’t work for everyone.

When someone asks someone in a different group for help, and that group is unwilling to help the other group, then you have a case of discrimination. The question is do we respect differences of individuality and self expression? Maybe within our own groups we accept the small differences, and really there is nothing wrong with being like minded.

To each their own. Groups form. Groups break apart. New groups form and replace the old groups that went away. Voids are bad and can be fatal if not worked to be corrected.

Should there be only one form of uniformity?

If I were to ask you for help, and you didn’t want to help me because I have blue hair, would that be fair? What if everyone had blue hair, and someone else had blonde hair? Would you help them and not yourselves? Or would you only help yourselves and leave the other person to die a horrible death? Would you even care?

The real issue isn’t about what color their hair is. The question is whether you would give a damn? In today’s stoic society, most people don’t give a damn if you walk down the street bleeding to death and die on the sidewalk. It’s not their son or daughter, and to be honest no one gives a shit.

People only help you when it’s in their best interest to help you. When people feel threatened or abused, they go into fight or flight responses. So because no one will help me, and they expect me to pick myself up from my bootstraps, because helping me isn’t in their best interest, and because every-time I try to help myself get better, someone comes along and sabotages my efforts and treats them as worthless. They won’t let me form a group of like minded people that would help me, and they keep me isolated and alone, so that they can ensure my failure. And their success.

Why does it have to be win/lose? Why is it that the situation can not be win / win? do they really have to break someone and put someone down to make themselves feel better? Then the next question is why do they have to put me down to make themselves feel better?

What makes you happy?

If as humans they only measure their success based on how happy they feel, then they can be drug addicts, drunks, and sit as mindless zombies while stoned. That’s the ultimate happiness is how they feel and not having problems to deal with.

My efforts to make life a better place, to be kinder, more understanding, and more loving has been ignored; Maybe I should only help myself and my kind.

Maybe we should stop making old worn out excuses, and start helping everyone equally?

Update:

The point I’m trying to make was made by Darius Foroux in his article “Always be Useful.” You can read his very carefully prepared version here on Medium.

Always Be Useful