Category: failure

A Life I Used To Have –This Cage Holds Me Tight

My life used to be very different. In terms of a life that resembles my life previously, this life is nothing close to what I used to have. The life I used to have is a distant memory of what I have now. This cage holds me tight in its grip.

When I was growing up, I used to do stuff. I was way more active in my life, both physically, and socially. I grew up riding bicycles doing freestyle and BMX riding.

There were times people were afraid of seeing me ride my bike, what was normal for me, was all too much for them; they objected to riding with both feet on the handle bars while coasting down the street without a helmet or knee pads.

I had a motorcycle that I rode and was pretty good at it. I grew up knowing how to downhill snow ski, and made use of every chance I could get to hit the slopes. I learned to ski at double black diamond levels, and got quite a thrill from skiing like a wild man.

I also took up indoor rock climbing, and found it to be the real challenge both physically, and psychologically. Because to really climb well, it takes a lot of psychological skill to climb and keep your wits about you. Most people would think what I was doing was impossible. It wasn’t, there are people that climb way above me.

I used to go dancing, and was quite good at it. I took to swing dancing, because I thought the music was good, and it was fun to dance with pretty chicks at the Derby. Often several nights a week, I could be found dancing east cost swing, with some good food.

My skills were better back then, my ability to do things that took strength, endurance, and talent that are all required to be able to stay alive. I took up rollerblading, and was very agile on my feet. Really there wasn’t much that didn’t have wheels that I didn’t do, or try.

This all changed twenty years ago. My life took some awful wrong turn that I had no control of. It wasn’t that I did something stupid, nor was it that I got hurt. Well, I did get hurt really, really bad; but it wasn’t anything I had control over.

They said it was a chemical imbalance in my mind, and that I wasn’t to be considered a sane man any longer. Something somewhere had screwed my life up really bad. My life that I knew and loved was gone, in whole; the life I used to have has completely been taken from me. The life I have today; it is nothing compared to the living I was doing twenty years ago. What is more, this life I have now, it’s not really living; it is closer to a living death.

It feels so damn unfair that my life was taken from me. There were things that I enjoyed doing a great deal; none of which I have been able to do or take part of in twenty years. I long for the days I was physically challenging myself to push my limits, to go fast on wheels, and enjoy the rush of adrenaline in my body that made me feel alive.

This existence, it’s not living; it’s a living death. There is no rush from what I can do these days. I’ve tried to get the same feeling from other things that I used to know and enjoy. Nothing compares to what I used to have. There simply isn’t anything I could do today to give me the same feeling. I have no friends, no job, no girlfriend, and it doesn’t look like that situation will ever change in this life.

My life today isn’t fun, it isn’t even interesting. I am confined to my house, only leaving for coffee, or a trip to the store. My life isn’t very enjoyable, because the things that I used to find enjoyable, and challenging; are not options any longer.

It seems ruthless cruel that I have been forced to live like zombie cat shit, being drugged out of my mind to enjoy a living death. I think that they last thing I would ever say is that I have enjoyed this life the last twenty years.

Sure there are other things to get enjoyment from, I still do what I can; but the enjoyments I used to have were far better than what I can do today. It is difficult to get a real thrill from coding html, not that it doesn’t have some rewards, but my family treats my accomplishments these days like they are worthless trash. I would like to see them do what I’ve done the last five years. Yeah, that would be fun.

I’m very good at what I do, its the only way I can get a thrill. Still, I find that I long for the days I was challenging myself physically. My life today while peaceful, is lacking anything that produces the same feelings that being physically skilled and pushing the limits of what I can do. Somehow, a dog walk just doesn’t have the same rush that going thirty miles an hour on rollerblades has.

I long for the times my life was better. I keep saying, “Life has to get better.” However, it seems I’ve come to terms with the fact, in this body; life isn’t going to get better. Pity, this life is a living death. I wanted better. Just a piece of advice, take care of your teeth, they rot out fast once they start to go. Wish I had been better about what I could have done about it; but it is far too late now.

However, their cry’s of my insanity; what I have to say about that is this; they live like zombie house cats. I want to live my life; and better than most ever dream. Most people in this world don’t really live; they just exist. Pity. They will never know what really living is like.

This cage I have now, someday its going to be replaced. Life has to get a lot better, and right quick.

Photo Credit: Photo by Jan Kopřiva on Unsplash

Written by Ctopher Thomas, A Real Misfit

Notes From Earth

My Cage Needs Torn Down
Notes from a steppenwolf

Are we living in a cage? The very fiber necessary to make life worth living, is missing from my existence. After taking inventory of what I have, it seems I have a cage. There are no friends, no job, no girlfriend in my life. The world lacks the ability to be selfless, because it seems no one gives a damn.

Being subjected to this mis-treatment, clearly this is not a humane way to exist. Certainly it feels like torment to me; it also feels like my rights are being violated. My existence in this manner is certainly not of my choosing, and after having worked diligently to change this situation for years, the situation is oppressive.

When the human race learns to be kind, this situation will get a lot better. There is nothing I can do to make my situation better; everything I have done thus far, it has all failed for me. The situation is not hopeless, it is however hosed; The human race is so selfish that no one will take the time to listen, to think, or to learn. Pity that they are so cruel.

My main complaint is the isolation. This isolation has spanned more than twenty years. There is no one to spend time with me, no one to talk with about what I value. It also seems, no one reads my work, or values it more than worthless trash.

I’m not able to do anything or say anything that will make them treat me different. There is absolutely nothing I could ever do that would change their behavior to treat me better. Nothing what so ever.

I don’t like my cage. This isolation is ruthless cruel. I’ve told them it hurts me, they have done nothing to make it better. Nothing at all to help make it better. I have reason to believe, that is the definition of cruel. For them to not care at all.

I hate my cage. It’s just me with my mind. No one reads my work, no one listens to me. They don’t give a shit what I think, believe, or want from life.

Also, there is no path to make it better. This life is all I ever have to look forward to. In twenty years, this situation has not changed to satisfactory level. That is twenty years of my life that I have been forced to endure this cage. Ruthless.

I wanted my life better. I wanted change for the better. Seems my status in life is so very low, that they don’t care what I want. It doesn’t matter to them at all. It’s not any skin off their nose, so they don’t give a damn about my needs.

Speaking of needs, my needs are not being met. My intellectual, emotional, physical needs; none of them are being met right. This cage has beaten the living life out of me. As a wolf, this captivity is cruel. The house cats enjoy the life they have; but the wolf feels it’s not been kind.

Really what kind of sick people think keeping a wolf to live like a house cat is kind? I’m tired of this cage. This cage, it’s not living. It’s a living death.

If I had some companions to talk with, and to spend time with me, someone that could inspire me to rise; then life would be worth living. This isolation is kicking the shit out of me. No one to talk with or share ideas with. The way things are, no one spends time with me, no one cares. The world couldn’t care. No one else does either.

The people that I thought I could count on, they have let me down hard. They treated me like shit. I don’t have anyone to turn to for help, nor advice. This cage keeps me confined like this. There is no way to make myself visible. And when I do try to make myself visible, it always fails. Nothing I have done in the last twenty years has been successful. Nothing.

The failure has hit hard. I hate this cage. It keeps me held in place, just like I was twenty years ago. I’ve been able to make my mind grow, but at great pain.

There is no emotional support here. This cage prevents me from having my emotional needs met. No friends, no job, no girlfriend. It’s been this way a very long time. Seems I’m not special enough for anyone to care about me. They didn’t care when I am alone and hurting from isolation.

I hate my cage. Have no desire to trade for a bigger cage. I want out of this damn cage. I want my freedom. I want to live my life. I want to have someone to spend time with me. I want to be able to have intelligent conversations with others. I want someone that can reason.

It’s not that difficult, it shouldn’t be that difficult. Yet, in twenty years; they have never been able to fix it. I’ve spent the last twenty years in this damn cage. It feels ruthless cruel. Why the abuse? Why the psychological torment like this? Am I a prisoner? Why? What right do they have to cage me?

It has made me mean. I would like to see you spend twenty years inside your own head and try to get out of this shit. Let’s see how you like my cage. I would like to see you live my life. You will beg for death, long before it’s over with.

I think that is fitting punishment. Those that caged me, should have to live my life. Let’s see how they deal with it. I want them to suffer, I want them to suffer like I have suffered. Let’s see how you like this psychological torment, I’ve endured it; let’s see how you deal with it. I hate my cage.

If I had some friends, this would be a nice escape pod. Since I am forced into solitary confinement with no friends, it’s a cage. It’s cruel. It could have been a home.

Part II
Does Anyone Have A Life?
Thoughts from a wolf

I’m curious to know, does anyone in this world have a life? Is anyone in this world really living? They say, most people just exist. That seems to be very true. I don’t have any friends, no job, no girlfriend, and no one to ask personally.

There is no one that I have ever known that has a life. So how are you people living? Do you have any kind of life at all? I’ve taken inventory of what I have, it seems this cage is all I have. How are you living? Do you like your cage?

Does anyone have their needs being met? Are you able to provide for yourself? Do you have an idea and the ability to see it turn into something successful? I have not had a success in twenty years. The only thing I have known is failure. I hate my cage.

Do you have the ability to dream, and see your dreams turn into something that works for you? How do you make such things happen for yourself? Do you have people that listen to you and respect you? Do you have a group of people that inspire you?

All I have known is this damn isolation. It’s all I have. This isolation is all I have known for twenty years; maybe more. How can I move my life from where I am living now, to a better more satisfying lifestyle? What path is there to take to make my life better?

Everything I have done has failed. The people that I thought would have my back; they are a let down. None of them could care about my life at all. Pity.

I don’t have opportunities. I’ve lacked the social circle to make my life better. I’m not able to rise, I’m not able to make myself visible to others. What kind of life can I look forward to? Seems my life is a living death. There is no path to make it better.

Humans are strange creatures. This world isn’t the place it used to be. It used to be a man had some way to make their life better, seems there always used to be a path that a man could take to change their life.

There is no path here. So how are you living? What path have you taken to make your life worth living? Are you really living? Does anyone in this world have a real life? Prove it.

This world feels like a damn cage. The isolation is the main factor in making it feel like a cage. If the isolation were to be fixed, the situation would be a lot better. By 1000%. In twenty years, they have not been able to fix the isolation. They don’t even care that I’m isolated like I am. It’s not any skin off their nose. It doesn’t bother them.

Seems a lot of people suffer from isolation. Some are like house cats and seem to enjoy it. However, you will never meet a wolf that enjoys solitary confinement for long periods of time.

The problem has continued, it has never been solved. Obviously; they lack the ability to solve the problem. They have prevented me from solving the problem, which means they don’t want a solution to the problem.

I have reason to believe; they are sick. This world is a twisted place. Pity. It could have been a lot better. I hate my cage.

Photo Credit: Photo by Egor Myznik on Unsplash

Written by: Ctopher Thomas, A Real Misfit

Life is, Things Are

On The Bounce, Stow that crap!

Life has been strange the last year. What most people don’t like about the last year, is what my life has been like for many years. This is really nothing new to me. Same crap, different day. You know?

However, my point about this year being strange still stands. I’ve seen a lot of projects come and go. Sometimes they turn out good. Other times, they turn out great; yet, no one cares either way. Seems people completely disregard my effort in the face of adversity. Is that true?

I’m bored with working for likes, or shares. No one really cares. I would however like to do something that wows you. Not sure what that would ever be, or if its even possible. Somehow I have reason to believe such things are not even possible in this day and age.

What most people fail to realize, life has made me tough. It might have even made me mean. I would like to see you live my life and not become a monster. I think it would destroy most people. I really do.

Yet, here I am. Still here after all these years. I would like to do some projects that make people smile. Some of what I have done is for myself and people like me. Some may understand it someday, if they really work at it.

Tough Life

Life has made me tough. Most people are never faced with the problems I have been forced to deal with in my life. I hope that you never really have to experience that either. It has been hell.

Still, I have answers if you are faced with impossible times like I have had to deal with. It is not easy; yet, it can be done. The skill it requires is beyond what most people will understand. They have no way to understand it. Because they lack the life experience to know the full story.

Most people, they eat what they are given. Most don’t think about much, and many are perfectly happy with that. I’ve had some failures in making my projects really stand out. Seems people don’t want much from me. Seems they don’t even want my friendship these days. Pity.

I’m bored with the status quo of my life. This living isn’t really living. It is an existence of sorts, I guess house cats would like it. However a wolf would find it a living death to endure this much.

The real problem is nothing new. This isolation has been happening for more than twenty years. At this point, I’m not even sure if there is any way to fix it. It is something I would like to have fixed right. Damn tired of this isolation like it is.

More to be done

Still, there are things to be done. Maybe life will change someday and this mess will be behind us all? Maybe! Bored with the way things are. Feeling like no one will ever care. Pity!

Still, check my projects out. They wait for you.

Photo Credit: Photo by ALEXANDRE DINAUT on Unsplash

Sharper Image? Do Laundry!

A Sharper Image

Being a photographer, I can tell you one of the biggest gripes you will ever hear from talking with photographers in general is that getting a picture to look sharp enough seems impossible. Even with the best lens, the high res .jpg, and Photoshop.

Like those photographs, sometimes it’s tough to get a sharp image in your life. Sometimes it’s not the gear. I’ve worked on having a sharper image for a few years, unfortunately my teeth are still broken out.

This year has been awful tragic. Everyone has felt hurt, betrayed, and stabbed in the back. I know that my personal pain has been something off the scale of how one could define hurt. My teeth hurt so bad for a few days that I seriously thought about knocking them out with a lead pipe to make them feel better.

This is a quick review of the year twenty-eighteen. While having been more physically painful that other years to date, there are some bright spots to the dark shadows that sway.

Year of Ice Coffee

This has most defiantly been the year of iced coffee. Being that we are in December and the temperatures have been dropping in the low 30’s, I will say there have been some days that feel like three jacket nights.

I’m starting to adapt to the cold. However we haven’t gotten any snow yet, so there is just cold weather. Which is nice, because I haven’t had to run the air conditioner once in three months.

While being the year of ice coffee, it has also been the year of eating almost nothing, smoking too many cigarettes, and having lasting isolation that even though I bought fancy perfume no one cares. Well there was someone that noticed; thank you! You made my day better. Hopefully I made yours a little better too. Most the time because I never see anyone but the Starbucks Baristas in the drive thru.

The month of August was horrific. It rained everyday for a solid month this year in what could only have been the worst rains in a hundred years of history. I can attest to the fact that the rain was worse than usual.

While being mostly a physically painful year, there were a few things to smile about. I have worked on my website until I’m happy with it for the most part. Not so happy that no one seems to notice it, but happy with the design other than the home page right now. It’s temporary. I’m sure of it.

Doggies Best Year

The doggies have brought much fun and joy in walks and chasing other things bigger than them, this year. They have also discovered that the playing laser tag is the best thing ever.

I made a few friends, lost a lot more than I made. While no one that I know has died recently, there has been this dark cloud of omniscience above my social life. It almost seems like people are too busy to care. Maybe this has been the year mortals quit giving a shit about anyone but themselves?

Believe that I have spent more time in a dark room with the music on, than I have spent with friends in twenty years. That’s just in this year.

I have however written a book, and about forty thousand words on my blog in the last year. While there has been less music making that I would like to have done, the music has played save but for the power outage that lasted all of five hours. It was horrific.

Not much poetry written this year. I did however buy art from multiple artists in both painting, drawing, poetry, and writers. I also purchased some photography from someone that is doing great work!

Efforts Failed

My own efforts have fallen flat in trying to rise. I am however clawing my way forward even though it is bleak and hopeless. Most people don’t read anymore, and it’s getting more difficult to write good poetry.

When I wasn’t wasting time staring at the ceiling, I was making graphics in Photoshop and drinking iced coffee. Might have made a few hundred posts to my account this year. I just wish that I was doing better work.

I have been trying to rise, the problem seems to be that people are not interested, they don’t even really give a damn if I rise. It’s obvious. They want me to fail. No one did much to support my efforts.

There is no quitting. The job has to be done. With no excuses. Everyone has to have something good. So we wait. We work, and we make the effort to do better everyday than we did the day before. Does anyone notice? Not likely. The distance traveled through my mind has taken me to places far and near.

It has been said that, “There is no excuse” period. I believe that. So what’s the problem? In a world of people that are obsessed with perfection, there sure is a lot to be desired.

Be kind. Go for the long game, make life better for everyone.

Brief Summary

In summary, this year has been pretty crummy. To be honest, it’s been downright awful. The rain and cold wasn’t as bad as the other problems that the world went through. I won’t even go there, because it’s been a night terror.

My main gripe tonight isn’t that the photographs aren’t sharp enough, it is directly related to the problems in being able to obtain sushi on any given day and that it’s impossible to order a pizza with more than one topping.

Get real! Seriously, you used to be able to order a pizza with multiple toppings, and now you can have a cheese pizza with one topping. Why isn’t there outrage about this? I mean what has happened in our lives that pizza delivery only offers one topping with a cheese pizza?

Did they outsource pizza delivery to someplace foreign? Not to be offensive but the world of micro code, high speed pizza delivery, and movies, music, and high speed internet was the only thing still keeping society at large from turning off the tv.

Still reading? I’m hoping that this next year will be better. It’s pointless to complain, and really everything but the pizza problem is like the weather. Temporary. These things too shall pass. Good music doesn’t go out of style. Likewise good taste will come back into being fashionable.