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A Life I Used To Have –This Cage Holds Me Tight

My life used to be very different. In terms of a life that resembles my life previously, this life is nothing close to what I used to have. The life I used to have is a distant memory of what I have now. This cage holds me tight in its grip.

When I was growing up, I used to do stuff. I was way more active in my life, both physically, and socially. I grew up riding bicycles doing freestyle and BMX riding.

There were times people were afraid of seeing me ride my bike, what was normal for me, was all too much for them; they objected to riding with both feet on the handle bars while coasting down the street without a helmet or knee pads.

I had a motorcycle that I rode and was pretty good at it. I grew up knowing how to downhill snow ski, and made use of every chance I could get to hit the slopes. I learned to ski at double black diamond levels, and got quite a thrill from skiing like a wild man.

I also took up indoor rock climbing, and found it to be the real challenge both physically, and psychologically. Because to really climb well, it takes a lot of psychological skill to climb and keep your wits about you. Most people would think what I was doing was impossible. It wasn’t, there are people that climb way above me.

I used to go dancing, and was quite good at it. I took to swing dancing, because I thought the music was good, and it was fun to dance with pretty chicks at the Derby. Often several nights a week, I could be found dancing east cost swing, with some good food.

My skills were better back then, my ability to do things that took strength, endurance, and talent that are all required to be able to stay alive. I took up rollerblading, and was very agile on my feet. Really there wasn’t much that didn’t have wheels that I didn’t do, or try.

This all changed twenty years ago. My life took some awful wrong turn that I had no control of. It wasn’t that I did something stupid, nor was it that I got hurt. Well, I did get hurt really, really bad; but it wasn’t anything I had control over.

They said it was a chemical imbalance in my mind, and that I wasn’t to be considered a sane man any longer. Something somewhere had screwed my life up really bad. My life that I knew and loved was gone, in whole; the life I used to have has completely been taken from me. The life I have today; it is nothing compared to the living I was doing twenty years ago. What is more, this life I have now, it’s not really living; it is closer to a living death.

It feels so damn unfair that my life was taken from me. There were things that I enjoyed doing a great deal; none of which I have been able to do or take part of in twenty years. I long for the days I was physically challenging myself to push my limits, to go fast on wheels, and enjoy the rush of adrenaline in my body that made me feel alive.

This existence, it’s not living; it’s a living death. There is no rush from what I can do these days. I’ve tried to get the same feeling from other things that I used to know and enjoy. Nothing compares to what I used to have. There simply isn’t anything I could do today to give me the same feeling. I have no friends, no job, no girlfriend, and it doesn’t look like that situation will ever change in this life.

My life today isn’t fun, it isn’t even interesting. I am confined to my house, only leaving for coffee, or a trip to the store. My life isn’t very enjoyable, because the things that I used to find enjoyable, and challenging; are not options any longer.

It seems ruthless cruel that I have been forced to live like zombie cat shit, being drugged out of my mind to enjoy a living death. I think that they last thing I would ever say is that I have enjoyed this life the last twenty years.

Sure there are other things to get enjoyment from, I still do what I can; but the enjoyments I used to have were far better than what I can do today. It is difficult to get a real thrill from coding html, not that it doesn’t have some rewards, but my family treats my accomplishments these days like they are worthless trash. I would like to see them do what I’ve done the last five years. Yeah, that would be fun.

I’m very good at what I do, its the only way I can get a thrill. Still, I find that I long for the days I was challenging myself physically. My life today while peaceful, is lacking anything that produces the same feelings that being physically skilled and pushing the limits of what I can do. Somehow, a dog walk just doesn’t have the same rush that going thirty miles an hour on rollerblades has.

I long for the times my life was better. I keep saying, “Life has to get better.” However, it seems I’ve come to terms with the fact, in this body; life isn’t going to get better. Pity, this life is a living death. I wanted better. Just a piece of advice, take care of your teeth, they rot out fast once they start to go. Wish I had been better about what I could have done about it; but it is far too late now.

However, their cry’s of my insanity; what I have to say about that is this; they live like zombie house cats. I want to live my life; and better than most ever dream. Most people in this world don’t really live; they just exist. Pity. They will never know what really living is like.

This cage I have now, someday its going to be replaced. Life has to get a lot better, and right quick.

Photo Credit: Photo by Jan Kopřiva on Unsplash

Written by Christopher Thomas, a 42bitpi Geek

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life Thinking transcript Writing

Why You Are Miserable…

I have heard it said that five percent of the people think, ten percent think they think, and the other eighty five percent would rather die than think. This essay is for the ten percent that think they think. I want to feed your mind, you don’t have to think like me, you just have to think.

I have said that to know the truth you have to know what some of the lies are. That is because if you believe the lies you won’t see clearly the real truth they want to hide from you. I am not going to tell you what the lies are, you have to think and ponder those things yourself.

Whats Your Soul Say?

What i can do is ask some questions to guide you into asking yourself the tough questions that you need to understand. No one can do this for you, you have to be willing to go there in mind and spirit regardless of how it makes you feel. There is the main point, most people are afraid of thinking because they don’t want anything that makes them feel bad. Most people want sunshine and rainbows all the time, they don’t want to think because they are afraid of their own thoughts.

You can overcome these fears and still be happy. You can ask yourself the questions and think about the answers for a long time. The truth is once you begin to enjoy thinking, you might find it difficult to ever stop. In zen they talk about enlightenment, I don’t care what you want to call it; thinking is good for you. Most people reach a point that they stop growing, they stop learning and become comfortable with they way things are. I believe this is unhealthy. To truly rise above the status quo you have to learn, grow, and push your comfort zone everyday.

Practice Makes Perfect

Thinking requires breaking your comfort habit and exploring things that make you uncomfortable. Thinking for long periods with no direction will spin your wheels and not take you very far. The goal is to reach a destination in mind and spirit. To be content with life, to be happy and at peace with all beings.

If you find you are always angry or you get upset easily, if you are bitter in spirit; you have a long ways to go. Not everything is about you, not everything is about your fragile insecure ego. When you learn to think your ego learns to relax, you don’t have to always be right. This is where virtue comes in, a person of virtue can be patient enough to learn something new, no matter how long it takes to understand.

The answers won’t come in a second, an hour, a week, or even a year. The thought process takes a long time to become clear. To begin start asking questions about what you already know, challenge the answers. Make arguments for and against them until you are completely confused. Then look to see what the lies are until you have truths you understand. Only when we lose ourselves can we find our true self.

Be Patient

It’s important to be patient with your mind. If you are in a hurry you may as well stay in your small superficial world and never bother with these things. If you are in a rush to get somewhere you had better hope you have already gained the ability to think for yourself. Learning to think for yourself in your own way is the most rewarding gift you can give yourself. Freedom of thought, Freedom to control your thoughts, to be free from manipulation of the media, news, and propaganda will make you happier in the long run.

Most people live their lives on auto pilot, only thinking what they already think they know. Pride is the enemy. To navigate the world of pure reason you have to always be a beginner in spirit. In the experts mind there are few possibilities, in the beginners mind there are many. At first there will be confusion about why there are so many possibilities. Find the ones you like to think about and ponder them in depth.

Take out the distraction from your life and see what is left to think about. If you take the distractions away you have more time to think about what’s important. Learn some new skill or trade. See how long it takes you to master it. Then move to something else, and master that too.

Categories
aquarium Courage fish tank ink isolation lonely Note to Self Thinking

Why Lonely People Stay Lonely

About one of the most cruel things that a person can experience is prolonged isolation. It hurts not only society, but also the individuals that it effects.

In today’s world, just talking about loneliness is enough to make people that have friends flee from you. They figure if you are alone, and don’t have anyone, then there must be a reason you are alone and isolated.

The best thing you can do is develop your social skills in the privacy of your own home, work on speaking and being wonderful. Then when you have developed some character and charisma go out and wow them.

If you are very isolated and alone, chances are things aren’t going to get better. People love it when you smile, but there is nothing like being genuine. People are drawn to happy people, because it makes them feel good and they all want to feel better.

The last thing they want is be the butt end of someone that makes them feel depressed, sad, or less then perfect. So if you can work towards making people feel good, that makes them feel better, and by making them feel better, they like you; wham!

So Do What’s Best For Everyone!

So work towards making people feel good emotionally, mentally, and physically. Everyone wants money, but the people that work towards the good of their fellow people is better liked than the scrooge.

Isolation isn’t good, and when you feel like you have major set backs and failures; and you isolate between failures, it sets up a reoccurring pattern of failure followed by isolation with more isolation after then next failure.

It’s vital to break the pattern. It’s vital to break the cycle of failure, isolation, failure. Gambling isn’t a solution. Because you’re guaranteed to loose more money than you make. That sets a pattern of failure too, but with a different feeling.

Combined, those things make bad shit. You have to unfuck yourself, and right quick. Because they aren’t going to make it right for you, the only one that can do that for yourself is you.

Forget about success or failure. Live free, the more free the better. If you can raise your standard of living, then that’s better. But don’t count success as your standard for living. Because that would be shallow and superficial. The best thing is to be smart enough to understand yourself. Then do what’s best for everyone.

See This Useful Link To Better UnderStand

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Tosky

The Dangers of Working In Isolation

The problems with constant living in a vacuum

Besides the fact that it is emotionally and mentally painful, there are some real problems with working in isolation all the time.

One of the problems is that unless other people are available that follow your train of thought, no matter how good your idea is, they will reject it, because they have no understanding of how you arrived at that answer.

The other problem with working in isolation is that it’s difficult to know what is really the best answers. With no one to provide feedback or understanding. It’s useless and worthless. Only no good humans would isolate someone and hurt good people.

People only understand from their level of understanding. The benefits of working together as a team is that the whole team will understand and work towards the same goals.

This benefit isn’t present when working in isolation and a total vacuum. No matter how good of an idea that you may have, unless people start working together, they are never going to understand the problem or the solution.

After having spend almost three years working in total isolation with no feedback, no one to talk with about what goals there are, or what problems need solved; there are serious problems with this.

Besides the fact that it’s physically painful to me, there are other problems. Other people don’t understand my point of view. Because they have nothing to base the answers on. They lack both the experience, and the perspective to understand from the point of view that I hold.

The solution is to find some people that will work together with me. In finding solutions to these problems. Start working together.

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Tosky

Idea’s About Language!!

This is a fairly important idea. Please consider it carefully. What if a language could be developed that took all the most beautiful words from each language and used them to define a new language spoken and written. With just one language that is from all of the current languages.

There would have to be a book of definitions to use. And meanings would have to very clear as to prevent confusion. There should be as little ambiguity as possible so that someone can grasp the correct meanings.

There is reason to believe this could be the beauty of life. It would take some time to learn, and the modern usage would have to develop over time, however there are words that would make better in other languages.

For instance, the english word: “Fork” should be replaced with something else from another language. Spoon might be okay, there are however better words in other languages that would work wonders. It would take a team of linguists to compile the whole thing. And of course there should be careful attention paid to make sure that all the meanings are perfectly clear.

This would be beautiful. It could be all languages but just the cream of the crop, the most beautiful words from all of them. Then we could have a common language all people that includes everyone.

Think it over.

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Tosky

Modern Culture

There are some serious problems with today’s modern culture. It seems someone has taken a wiz in the sample of what was to become something better. Seems the whole experiment has been ruined by people that sabotage good people’s work.

Today’s modern culture has become really twisted. They are so far in extremes that they have no balance. Therefore they have fallen off a cliff of their own devices. Not that we haven’t been sounding the alarm for a few years, but these people refuse to listen.

Today’s modern culture is self destructing. If nothing else it is ramping up for self destruction. There will be nothing left if this isn’t changed before it’s too late. What I want to know is who is doing this stuff? Why have they done this? What purpose does it serve? What good can come from it? If you ask me the option of just turning the human race into a batch of cheese danishes might be the best option.

Tired of the Lab Rats

I’m tired of being alone, tired of the problems. Today with algorithms running what content I see or what they think they want me to see. The whole system is designed for digital oppression and bias. Why are they still treating people like lab mice when this should have been completed in the fifties? These experiments should have been concluded in the fifties. Why are we living like this seventy years later? Do they want to know how to make more murderers? Maybe.

Digital oppression designed to make people fail by using computer algorithms that deliberately prevent people from rising. If that’s true, then it’s time to tear the system down and rebuild everything that exists. The change has to come from the systematic thought patterns that keep building these damn fool experiments.

C-Zero-C EDB-Zero-I-EH

Categories
learning lonely Writing

Captains Log

Lost Love

This underground account of the lost love that was only possible. Although it wasn’t practical. Adults forget the secrets they once knew. Mostly because the system tries to beat out any trace of wisdom or knowledge. Anything that isn’t hidden in Poetry.

Even then your odds are based upon the probability of pi. Speaking of odds, this reminds me of a story that I wrote some sixteen years ago. It was bad timing for a story. It was however good practice and there was something that was needed to be recalled.

Those that listen to the wind, and hear the voice in the running stream. Those of us know of higher callings in life than the rat race and its bone chilling hate.

Those that know what it means to know kindness. Those are the ones that know of truth. You will find it in most dogs that haven’t been abused. However it is never seen in a cat. They lack the very basic fiber to know the difference and lack the ability to be like a dog in any way.

Be Like Fido

A paradox of absurdity is trying to make cats turn into dogs. It’s messy and the cats don’t like it. That is to be more specific that it is mostly bad for the cats. The dogs however find that the cats who abused them, will benefit from knowing better understanding. If nothing else perhaps for a short time in their brief lives.

There was this dream from my childhood that I remember of being in a garden. There was a tree that was so pretty. It was in the fall of the year and the tree was losing its leaves. As the light wind blew the tree’s leaves started to rain down, and in the maelstrom there was one that I caught as it fell through the air.

This is to say that as a leaf was blowing in the wind. I caught one before it touched the ground. However in a dream anything could be magic and this was no different. The garden disappeared and there was a lady who is my equal that met my gaze.

She says to me, “It was not by chance that you caught that leaf falling through the air, and you and me are right as rain.”

“Who are you my dear that I may know more?” I ask her with my eyes full of wonder and my heart feeling warmer and lighter than any dream.

Dreams

“You will know who I am, no words can describe our bond.” Then she took the leaf from my hand and said, “Now go into the world and be born again. Find me if you dare, but Remember to wake up before the sleeper wakes.”

Then upon closing my eyes I was born new in a fresh world with oxygen and a place that was strange. Although it is wonderful, and very different.”

I had no idea what was in store for me. To say a heap of living would be an understatement. It’s been more like a dream that makes your head hurt, and your body ache.

Looking through the streets with no name, and finding none that would match the divine soul I was looking for. What is a man in need to do? They ask for help. In such a dream like world, even asking for help is seen as weird to the dream. They don’t know how to make heads or tails of the situation.

If they could help, would they? It might be it would defeat the purpose of trying to keep the dreamer asleep. Would they want you to  wake up too soon? Then there is also the risk of over sleeping and being late to the party.

Both are bad. Try navigating through the world looking for someone that doesn’t want to be found. Is it a game of hide and seek or just the careless wind blowing in the south?

Wind Blows Bleak

Speaking of which in a dream does the wind actually give a damn where it blows? That is absurd, to think the wind thinks it blows. The wind exists, we think it blows but to the wind it’s just existing. Need you really define the wind as blowing to know it exists?

In a dream, people will try to show you fools gold, and pictures of desire that leave you as empty as an old bottle of booze. However like that empty bottle of booze dreaming while dreaming is absurd and leads to confusion like having drank that bottle of booze.

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blogging tip Blue brain Courage Idea

How to go from having thoughts to thinking

HowTo:

How to go from having thoughts to actually controlling your thoughts. Instead of having thoughts, it’s better if you can make a logical line of reason to follow through a course.

Since emotions can be tied to thoughts, someone that can evoke a thought can make you have an emotional response to that thought.

The reasoning of animals, insects, and people today is group think. Group feelings. Everyone feels good about feeling bad about feeling good about having done something wrong.

By keeping people so emotionally wrapped up that they can not sort out their thoughts, it keeps people from getting more intelligent. The whole process is to keep people stupid.

Get Smarter

The problems with today’s world is that the media is controlling people’s thinking, which is controlling their emotions. People are being manipulated into feeling the way our whole society is feeling.

The only way to think strait is to take your emotions out of the equation. The only real emotion you should have is compassion and un-conditional love. They stir your emotions to keep you from thinking strait.

If you limit your input to stimuli than you can begin to control your thoughts in ways that allow you to control your emotions. Which in turn will allow you to sort your thoughts out and become a reasonable human being that goes from having thoughts to thinking. This allows you greater self mastery and control of your own being that isn’t being mass hypnotized by the media into believing that something is a certain way.

You have to develop the strength to have self mastery of your emotions, your thinking, and your physical abilities. Think about what self mastery means to you.

We can not always control the situations around us, we can however control our response to them. If your thoughts trigger an emotional response then your not in control of yourself as much as you would like to be. It’s important to be in control of one’s own self to the likes that nothing is going to bother you. This however doesn’t mean that one allows themselves to be pushed around, bullied, or taken advantage of.

The differences between having thoughts and thinking is that you have awareness and mindfulness of your thoughts. Thoughts come and go, beware of holding onto any thought for too long. This is especially true of thoughts that make you have emotions. Because then the whole cycle starts back up again.

Do Better

Perhaps the only way to limit these things is to control your social circle and limit the media’s influence upon your mind.

There is no success or failure. Those two imposters will both take you for a ride you don’t want. There is only the moment, in living life and being present. How you make other people feel is important and matters, you don’t want to be the person that abuses and takes advantage of others, and at the same time you don’t want to be abused and taken advantage of.

This requires that one doesn’t want beyond what is practical in life. To be content with a little and happy when their is abundance. But a truly intelligent society makes all it’s inhabitants equal. With everyone having something that they are good at. And many can be good at much. A wise society is one that cares for all it’s people in ways that no one feels left behind, forgotten, or alienated from society.

A wise society is one that has no poor in it’s midst, especially when all can have plenty. If your human, than that unites you with your fellow man, being that your all human. Beware of divisions that make you feel that someone isn’t good enough. Time and situations make all humans fall from high.